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52 Reasons It’s Good That Jeff Koyen’s Gone On March 3, 2005, the free weekly New York Press put out an article entitled “The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope.” Number 23 was “Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman, but also Hitler.” It was all downhill from there. You can link to it at http://www.nypress.com/18/9/news&columns/taibbi.cfm, but I wouldn’t recommend it on a full stomach. Or an empty one. Talk about a slow week for news and for talent—that was the Press cover story. Normally, I have all sorts of empathy for beleaguered writers on the edge. Back before PC stood for the chilling of social dialogue and when few people owned a personal computer, this writer found himself kicked off a 100-year-old college humor magazine and in national hot water for suggesting ways to deflower a certain starlet who did Jordache commercials. But that to this was Animal House to Caligula, and no one wants to see Caligula II. Not that the Catholic Church is anywhere near beyond reproach. I got into some trouble a couple years back for an essay called “Egan’s Law.” /rants/wdiy23.htm. But once every couple of decades, you run across something so mean-spirited, misdirected, ill-conceived, and devoid of any redeeming social, political, or entertainment value whatsoever, you’re gratified when a head rolls, as did Press editor Jeff Koyen’s, somewhat willingly, on March 7. Mr. Koyen, this one’s for you. 52 Reasons It’s Good That Jeff Koyen’s Gone 1. Now we won’t have to read 52 Reasons The Tsunami Victims Deserved to Die. 2. Beavis and Butthead called--they want their sense of humor back. 3. NY Press sucks just a little less today. 4. More time to answer the adult services ads in the back of the paper. 5. First Amendment, my ass. Let’s see if you have the guts to run this. 6. The Pope feels better already. 7. High Times has an opening in their fact-checking department. 8. The Press owes me money. 9. Maybe Matt Taibbi will follow. 10. Finally—Hillary takes a stand on something. 11. Your successor can’t possibly screw up worse. 12. One arrogant, self-important alternative weekly editor down, 376 to go. 13. Interim editor-in-chief: Bob Schieffer. 14. Jeff who? 15. More time to hang out with Howard Stern. 16. There are plenty of public access cable channels with time to fill. 17. Nothing like leaving on a high note. 18. Larry Flynt era at NY Press begins now. 19. Those memoirs will really fly off the shelves. 20. Wave from the window, Jeff, and say goodbye. 21. Some lucky grunt gets the big screen TV and the corner office. 22. The Vatican showed a lot more class when your dad died. 23. Jayson Blair is looking better every minute. 24. So is Stephen Glass. 25. Enjoy the rest of lent, schmuck. 26. Next stop—The Apprentice. 27. Maybe now The Press will be worth its cover price. 28. Now’s the time to come up with a great nom de plume. 29. How about Jeff Pope? 30. More time to help the New York Archdiocese help the homeless. 31. We all knew he was on steroids. 32. Bring back the NY Sports Express. 33. We hear there’s an opening at the White House press corps. 34. Who really gives a shit? 35. Out of curiosity, what story did you bump for the Pope thing? 36. Did you pay a kill fee? 37. Say hello to Bob Guccione for me. 38. New York State doesn’t have to pay unemployment insurance. 39. A new candidate or two for The Press’s “50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers” list. 40. We hear there’s still some fighting to cover in Fallujah. 41. Plenty of time to commiserate with Dan Rather. 42. Now you can teach a course in writing at The Learning Annex. 43. Now you can take a course in writing at The Learning Annex. 44. Can you say “My 15 minutes are up?” 45. Finally, a real contribution to the profession of journalism. 46. If you were dying, Jeff, I wouldn’t do this. Get it? 47. Make it work for you. Martha Stewart did. 48. While you’re surfing Monster.com and craigslist, look up the actual meaning of the word “censorship.” You might learn something. 49. Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. 50. Didn’t you learn anything from Opie and Anthony? 51. Now this is what I call a Prague Spring. 52. Is it too late to get Hunter S. Thompson? Click here to rant back. |