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Monica in Black and White and Green From the hey-I-thought-we-buried-this-drivel-way-back-before-the-bottom-fell-out-of-tech stocks department comes the Monica Lewinsky Black and White special on HBO. Please believe me--I watched it only to get material for this piece. I suppose HBO saw this as some kind of coup when they outbid the folks at Spice TV. But let’s face it--this whole thing happened many Yodels ago. It is now about as relevant as Eleanor Roosevelt’s dalliance with another woman and a hair less appetizing. First off, this thing didn’t deserve to be in black and white. I believe the theory goes that black and white lends a production an air of sophistication, like Woody Allen’s Manhattan. Strangely, that film was also about a middle-aged egomaniac and his pubescent girlfriend. But there may have been another reason. Black and white tends to hide unsightly bags. Monica looks like she’s slept a total of six and a half hours since the Starr report came out--kind of like gossip columnist Liz Smith with a bad dye job. For the bulk of the show, Monica sat at the edge of a stage and took canned questions from a studio audience carefully screened for frat boys likely to make bj jokes. But because Monica is no more capable of holding one’s attention for a solid hour than Steve Kerr is of carrying the Portland Trail Blazers for 48 minutes, there were cutaways. Lots of cutaways. Every few minutes, we were treated to a shot of Linda Tripp. One thing about Linda Tripp—she can make anyone look good. Her agent is already talking to Showtime about the Andrea Yates special. What did Monica have to say? Well, she felt her privacy was violated. This was said with a straight face while looking into camera three. First Darva Conger, now Monica. When will America stop unearthing and badgering these prudish recluses merely trying to complete their masters in philology and get that job at the library? Monica also said she didn’t think anyone should judge her unless they’ve gone through it. Monica, thousands of women have gone through it, and that’s just counting Bill’s domestic policy interns. She stated she felt no substantial remorse and wondered aloud why Bill Clinton didn’t consider what this would do to her family. Word to the wise, Monica: You’ll never go broke underestimating the foresight of a guy getting a hummer. There were also frequent pauses for crying. Not only Monica’s, but mine as well when I recalled the 26.95 per month I’m paying for premium cable. Don’t bother writing in to object to this sort of insipid, salacious programming. HBO is already airing this thing three times a day like a Beavis and Butthead rerun on MTV. Word on the street is, this is only the first in a series of town hall-type specials. Bill, Hillary, Ken Starr, Linda Tripp, Paula Jones, George Stephanopoulos, Lucianne Goldberg, and James Carville are all said to be in negotiations to tell their side of the story that won’t go away because a handful of television executives have the collective imagination of a paper weight. Even beloved Buddy was looking at high six-figures for a half hour tell-all before he was tragically hit by a truck. As for Monica, she’ll be guest starring on Sex In the City any minute now. She is also said to be considering an appearance on The Chair in which a boxer-short clad Bill Clinton will be lowered onto the set by a crane. There is, however, some good news coming out of all this. Between September 11 and the resurgence of Monica Lewinsky, Gary Condit is practically out of the woods. Click here to rant back. |